If words could kill, I would already be dead

     My kids motivate me to go to school.  I have many responsibilities like children, cleaning, cooking, studies, groceries, etc.  I am alone, nobody helps me besides my brother who babysits my children for 4 hours while I volunteer on Saturday.  Tidying my room or raking the leaves in the backyard are not near my top priorities.  I confess, my desk is untidy, it is surrounded with papers and books.  My kids have toys on the floor and they like to tape their artwork on the wall.  My landlord's priorities are not mine, but I do make sure to keep the kitchen, living room, and bathroom clean.  There are no bugs, mold, or infestation of any kind.  So why does my landlord threaten to kick me out every month since January?  She is my mother.  I defied her by going to school since January.  I neglected the leaves and weed in the backyard.  I am learning on teaching my children how to clean and maintain the room.  Unfortunately, I am never good enough.

     It isn't easy being raised by a sociopath or so it seems.  She calls me as a loser and slammed my door six times last night because I ignored her; good thing my children stayed overnight with my ex-wife.  I am not a doctor, but studying her behavior, it is pretty clear to me she lacks empathy and remorse.  I have accepted the fact that she will never give me any encouragement or acknowledge my strengths.   Unfortunately she consistently focus on my deficits..  Tidying up the room is maybe #10 on my priority list.  By the time I get to #9, day is over and I am already exhausted.  Now the big question is how do I adapt?  I have two more years for a Bachelor degree and four years for a Masters.  I cannot expect her to change, she is stubborn as a mule. 

     Should I put her priorities before mine?  No, my priorities are in order.  Could I put extra effort to complete my priorities everyday?  Yes I can, but I know my limit and it will drain me more than I can withstand.  I could move out, but rent costs much more elsewhere and I could no longer afford seeing my brothers every weekend.  I am lucky to have great friends who understand me and offer great advice.  As long as I have my kids, I will tolerate her harsh accusations; her words are only strong if I give it power (Yes I learned that from Zits in Flight).  However, if she slams the door multiple times while my children are around, then it is unacceptable.  For now, my children are slightly affected so I conclude that staying here is still my best option.   

     On second thought, I am part of the problem and in need of practicing reflection like the book suggests.  Have I reached out for help by getting in touch with community resources like counseling?  My mother would never agree to that, but then again, would it hurt if I ask?  It is time to stop blaming my mother for her actions and seek solutions.  It is also time for her to stop blaming me and trying to control my life.