If words could kill, I would already be dead

     My kids motivate me to go to school.  I have many responsibilities like children, cleaning, cooking, studies, groceries, etc.  I am alone, nobody helps me besides my brother who babysits my children for 4 hours while I volunteer on Saturday.  Tidying my room or raking the leaves in the backyard are not near my top priorities.  I confess, my desk is untidy, it is surrounded with papers and books.  My kids have toys on the floor and they like to tape their artwork on the wall.  My landlord's priorities are not mine, but I do make sure to keep the kitchen, living room, and bathroom clean.  There are no bugs, mold, or infestation of any kind.  So why does my landlord threaten to kick me out every month since January?  She is my mother.  I defied her by going to school since January.  I neglected the leaves and weed in the backyard.  I am learning on teaching my children how to clean and maintain the room.  Unfortunately, I am never good enough.

     It isn't easy being raised by a sociopath or so it seems.  She calls me as a loser and slammed my door six times last night because I ignored her; good thing my children stayed overnight with my ex-wife.  I am not a doctor, but studying her behavior, it is pretty clear to me she lacks empathy and remorse.  I have accepted the fact that she will never give me any encouragement or acknowledge my strengths.   Unfortunately she consistently focus on my deficits..  Tidying up the room is maybe #10 on my priority list.  By the time I get to #9, day is over and I am already exhausted.  Now the big question is how do I adapt?  I have two more years for a Bachelor degree and four years for a Masters.  I cannot expect her to change, she is stubborn as a mule. 

     Should I put her priorities before mine?  No, my priorities are in order.  Could I put extra effort to complete my priorities everyday?  Yes I can, but I know my limit and it will drain me more than I can withstand.  I could move out, but rent costs much more elsewhere and I could no longer afford seeing my brothers every weekend.  I am lucky to have great friends who understand me and offer great advice.  As long as I have my kids, I will tolerate her harsh accusations; her words are only strong if I give it power (Yes I learned that from Zits in Flight).  However, if she slams the door multiple times while my children are around, then it is unacceptable.  For now, my children are slightly affected so I conclude that staying here is still my best option.   

     On second thought, I am part of the problem and in need of practicing reflection like the book suggests.  Have I reached out for help by getting in touch with community resources like counseling?  My mother would never agree to that, but then again, would it hurt if I ask?  It is time to stop blaming my mother for her actions and seek solutions.  It is also time for her to stop blaming me and trying to control my life.

Unfair treatment for women worldwide

After watching: http://learn.humboldt.edu/mod/resource/view.php?inpopup=true&id=33139, I am very glad there are groups in this world that empower minorities to mobilize, be self-independent, and practice equal treatment.  Women do two-thirds of the world's work, but only own one percent of the world's property and earn only ten percent of the world's income.  I was shocked to hear that the couple in Bangladesh used to treat the husband as king and the wife as servant.  The wife only ate the leftovers from the husband and only wore what he gave her.  After attending the credit and training at a non-profit program of Uttaran, their lives changed for the better.  Through education, the couple in Bangladesh improved their economic status by practicing equality.  When women made decisions in Bangladesh, money were usually spent on healthcare, education, and businesses like a mill factory.

Overindulged.... why?

Recently, I began to reward myself for completing assignments and daily chores.  I designed a reward system and planned to follow it.  However, I could not resist.  As the judge, jury, and executioner, there are no checks and balances to put myself in place.  I think I figured out the cause of my behavior.  I am under-appreciated and feel very tired.  Perhaps talking about my struggles could relieve my stress and help me feel appreciated.  So here goes:

My strongest motivation to finish school are my two children.  My mother simply disapproves me going back to school at this time.  I removed myself from the workplace and remained at home so I may fully attend to the needs of my children for two years.  My son is now four and my daughter is six.  I strongly believe it is time to attend school again, but she wants me to stay home for another four years.  She has her reasons; I considered it and respect it, but I disagree.

Posting and responding to the discussion forums is quite easy.  Writing about myself is so difficult.  How do I stop myself form overindulging?  I really do not know, but I feel that posting blogs might really help.

Therapeutic Alliance

This week, I really enjoyed the therapeutic alliance assignment.  Speaking with Kristin was a great experience.  We shared our struggles and how we overcame it.  I felt as if I had carried this heavy burden for many years and released it off my shoulders.  Active listening was very helpful.  I could feel that she was honest and truly empathetic and understanding.  Listening to her struggles, I have gained a new positive outlook on life and better understanding of people in situations similar to her.  It made me feel more grateful for life too.  Through all this, I realized a big connection between our life and Jeannette's life in Glass Castle.  I do not want to ruin the story, so I will not disclose the details.  However, I must say that Glass Castle is the best book I have ever read and enjoyed.  I hope everyone could experience what I felt through therapeutic alliance.

Big Accomplishments = Big Rewards

Working so hard day and night has been tearing me apart.   Sometimes I feel like I am burned out and wonder how long I can continue this journey.  After orientation, I drove six hours to get home and I realized life is short.  In order to rejuvenate my well-being and spirit, I need to reward myself for my accomplishments.  Be wary not to over-indulge though.  I rewarded myself three big gifts for one big accomplishment.  This feels so new to me; I need to setup a proper reward system.  Unfortunately, I am the judge, the jury, and the verdict; balance of power is non-existent.  I will write down my accomplishments and rewards then separate them into three columns, big, average, and small.  For now, let me try small rewards on any weekend, average rewards once per month, and big rewards every semester.  Maybe by posting my accomplishments and rewards side by side, my colleagues can keep me in check.

For now, I will consider movie night as a small reward, bowing plus dine out to be an average reward, and buying something over a hundred dollars to be a big reward.  Hopefully, my plan is not just silly to most people.  Try this out; maybe you can rejuvenate yourself and feel more motivated.